Forget Me Nots

That moment when you finally sit down and try to brace yourself to write a post that you wish you would never have to write. And though it's been 3 1/2 months and you know you are feeling stronger and coping better now than you were before, the reality is still a bitter pill to swallow. And perhaps it always will be.

Things I probably won't be able to forget:

- The phone call. The one you dread ever having to receive and think surely it won't ever be you. Officer asking you if you are home. If you are alone. Words like "really difficult news" and "very serious accident" "unfortunately" "did not survive"

- Collapsing on the bed, overcome with grief and pain and unbelief. Crying out loud...the way a little child cries out. 

- My sisters voice on the other line "Are you serious? Are you serious?" 

- Finding the strength to go to Makenna's field trip the next morning. To pretend like all is okay. Because he wouldn't want me to disappoint her by not being there. 

- His room. Still untouched. Pajamas on the bed...sandals on the floor...art projects unfinished at his desk...unfinished...

 Things I Won't Forget:

- Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. The comfort and spirit that music brings when finding comfort elsewhere seems to fail.

- Endless compliments from all we contacted. What a great man he was. How friendly he was. So selfless, so loving, so kind. "He loved his Family So Much!"

- Feeling of peace and strength while holding his hand and saying goodbye.

- Picture CD in the mail the very day he passed away....photos of our final day together...just 10 days prior to accident.

 Things I Will Never, Ever Forget:

- His Heart: Young, carefree. Full of life and energy. Patient and understanding. Always willing and wanting to give and show more love. To play and have fun. To laugh and enjoy life.

- His Perseverance: Overcoming obstacle after obstacle his entire life. Reaching rock bottom but never giving up. Searching his soul to understand why he does the things he does when he knows what he knows? Always trying. Always bettering. Always striving to improve.

- His Testimony: It was all or nothing. And he knew it had to be All. He surrounded himself with the gospel. In the music he listened to, the books he read, the activities he enjoyed. 

- His Love For Beauty: Finding beauty in the world all around him. Every day was a beautiful day because he knew where to look to see it.

- His Love For His Daughters and Grandchildren: They were his life. His breath. The jewels in his crown. The best thing that ever happened to him. 

- His Sense of Humor: The importance of knowing not to take yourself too seriously. That Laughter does the soul good and should be felt and heard more often.

 I have learned that one is capable of overcoming anything he wants....as long as he is willing to work, to recommit and strive to do his best. To be disciplined.

I have learned the importance of slowing down. To stop and Literally take time to smell the roses.

I have learned to take one day at a time. But to keep an eternal perspective in all things. 

I have learned to "Do something for the kid in you" every day. To walk over the mounds of laundry to play a game on the ground with my child. To not be embarrassed to chase your kids around on the playground at the park. To always have a spare frisbee or kite in your car...just in case the perfect moment to stop and play might arrive. 

I have learned to be more kind, more understand, more patient, more forgiving.

I have learned to be bold in my beliefs. To not shy away. To make friends out of strangers.

I have learned the importance of the small things. To pay attention to the details and the small things and to be more sentimental about them.

I have learned to love with all my heart and to cherish each and every day. 

I am a better person today because of the man my father was and the life the he lead. Our father daughter relationship may not have come from a story book. But he was the best father to me that he knew how to be. And I was the best daughter to him that I knew how to be. 

He loved my children. He loved being their Papa. It was to be the grandest chapter in his life's story. I know he is close by and watching over them. 

I am proud of the man he was and all that he learned to be. I am honored to call myself his daughter. And I will wait for the day when he will be there, arms outstretched and open, ready to embrace me and welcome me into the life hereafter.