We were a little late getting to be tonight and I was just finishing tucking Kellen boy in to bed and giving him his kisses -"I love you tonight (kiss), tomorrow (kiss) and forever (kiss)"- and asking him my nightly question: "What is the most important thing in the world to me?"
Kellen looks up at me with his big, puppy dog eyes and says "Do you know the one thing that I don't like about school?" "What is that?" In a choked up voice..."I don't like not being here with you and being in my home."
With everything I wish I was doing better and all the things I know I need to try harder at as a mother...I have to tell myself that I am doing something right. Something right to have kids that love to be home. That love to be with their family. That would rather be there than anyway (other than Disneyland).
I love my family.
And as much as I would like nothing more than to keep my little boy Kellen, and all my little babes home with me always, I know that they must grow and learn and learn to stand on their own. And sadly, yes, that even starts at 4 1/2.
But if I always have kids that want to come back home, well, then I will have done something good.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
That moment when you finally sit down and try to brace yourself to write a post that you wish you would never have to write. And though it's been 3 1/2 months and you know you are feeling stronger and coping better now than you were before, the reality is still a bitter pill to swallow. And perhaps it always will be.
Things I probably won't be able to forget:
- The phone call. The one you dread ever having to receive and think surely it won't ever be you. Officer asking you if you are home. If you are alone. Words like "really difficult news" and "very serious accident" "unfortunately" "did not survive"
- Collapsing on the bed, overcome with grief and pain and unbelief. Crying out loud...the way a little child cries out.
- My sisters voice on the other line "Are you serious? Are you serious?"
- Finding the strength to go to Makenna's field trip the next morning. To pretend like all is okay. Because he wouldn't want me to disappoint her by not being there.
- His room. Still untouched. Pajamas on the bed...sandals on the floor...art projects unfinished at his desk...unfinished...
Things I Won't Forget:
- Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. The comfort and spirit that music brings when finding comfort elsewhere seems to fail.
- Endless compliments from all we contacted. What a great man he was. How friendly he was. So selfless, so loving, so kind. "He loved his Family So Much!"
- Feeling of peace and strength while holding his hand and saying goodbye.
- Picture CD in the mail the very day he passed away....photos of our final day together...just 10 days prior to accident.
Things I Will Never, Ever Forget:
- His Heart: Young, carefree. Full of life and energy. Patient and understanding. Always willing and wanting to give and show more love. To play and have fun. To laugh and enjoy life.
- His Perseverance: Overcoming obstacle after obstacle his entire life. Reaching rock bottom but never giving up. Searching his soul to understand why he does the things he does when he knows what he knows? Always trying. Always bettering. Always striving to improve.
- His Testimony: It was all or nothing. And he knew it had to be All. He surrounded himself with the gospel. In the music he listened to, the books he read, the activities he enjoyed.
- His Love For Beauty: Finding beauty in the world all around him. Every day was a beautiful day because he knew where to look to see it.
- His Love For His Daughters and Grandchildren: They were his life. His breath. The jewels in his crown. The best thing that ever happened to him.
- His Sense of Humor: The importance of knowing not to take yourself too seriously. That Laughter does the soul good and should be felt and heard more often.
I have learned that one is capable of overcoming anything he wants....as long as he is willing to work, to recommit and strive to do his best. To be disciplined.
I have learned the importance of slowing down. To stop and Literally take time to smell the roses.
I have learned to take one day at a time. But to keep an eternal perspective in all things.
I have learned to "Do something for the kid in you" every day. To walk over the mounds of laundry to play a game on the ground with my child. To not be embarrassed to chase your kids around on the playground at the park. To always have a spare frisbee or kite in your car...just in case the perfect moment to stop and play might arrive.
I have learned to be more kind, more understand, more patient, more forgiving.
I have learned to be bold in my beliefs. To not shy away. To make friends out of strangers.
I have learned the importance of the small things. To pay attention to the details and the small things and to be more sentimental about them.
I have learned to love with all my heart and to cherish each and every day.
I am a better person today because of the man my father was and the life the he lead. Our father daughter relationship may not have come from a story book. But he was the best father to me that he knew how to be. And I was the best daughter to him that I knew how to be.
He loved my children. He loved being their Papa. It was to be the grandest chapter in his life's story. I know he is close by and watching over them.
I am proud of the man he was and all that he learned to be. I am honored to call myself his daughter. And I will wait for the day when he will be there, arms outstretched and open, ready to embrace me and welcome me into the life hereafter.
Friday, September 13, 2013
It was bound to happen. All of us that know Makenna could have seen this coming. Such a lively, energetic, fearless little kid is certainly bound to have a few ER stories to tell when she grows up. The home phone rang at about 10:15 am. It was the school calling, and though I assumed it was going to be a recorded message I grabbed it, just in case. The nurse quickly told me she was calling about Makenna. Makenna had been out at recess, playing on the monkey bars and had fallen off and landed on her right arm. And then she says, in a hesitant voice, "I'm pretty sure it might be broken..." Well, the nurse has seen her share of broken arms, and she knows how to call them when she sees them.
She was being so brave and tough in the office. The minute I walked in she erupted into tears (as happens when you are trying to be brave and then you see your mama). We creatively figured out a way to carry her out to the car (lots of tears and shrieks of pain in the process!). We got to the ER. Grammy met us so she could help with Carys while Makenna had her x-rays taken. And sure enough, there it was...
...a complete break, all the way through, right at the end of her humorous. Basically she broke part of her elbow. But when Makenna does something, she does it GOOD! And she didn't just break a bone, she broke it good! She broke it right in her growth plate, right where all the important nerves run. And when it broke, it also shifted out of place. What did all of this mean? It meant surgery the next day. That is what it meant.
Makenna is a brave girl. I knew she was worried. I knew she was scared. But she stayed calm. She observed, she had all her comforts with her, her blanky, her baby, her mom and dad. She did amazing. She really did! They let me go back with her while they put her under. The poor girls eyes were so big when they started giving her the gas. But though you could tell she was worried and scared, she was cooperative and stayed calm. I gave her a kiss and a half hour later all was repaired. They reset the bone, put it in place and put 2 pins in her elbow to hold it in place.
She had some amazing doctors that let her baby go back to surgery with her. And they even decided to operate on her babies right arm as well, and put it in a small cast so they could heal together.
Once Makenna realized all the "get well gifts" that came with surgery and a broken arm she quickly became a very happy, recovering little girl. Makenna loves to be doted upon, as all little girls should!
A week in the soft cast to allow swelling to go down, then we got to go to the hospital to get her Real cast on!
The pins in her elbow....Eeewwww!!!
Green! You would have thought pink, but Makenna likes to keep things interesting! I gave the green cast a big thumbs up! She couldn't wait to get it signed that day. Daddy was the first person to sign her cast! A day or two later it was covered in names and hearts and well wishes. So cute!
You would think that a girl as energetic and crazy as Makenna would have a really hard time having a cast on for 4 weeks, unable to jump, climb, ride and be wild the way she is used to. But Makenna was great. Not once did she complain. Not once did she get angry or upset over the things she missed out on. She didn't get upset when the boys went swimming and she had to play inside instead. She didn't whine when she could only take baths, no showers. She didn't complain about having to try to write with her left hand in school. She was optimistic and happy and a joy to be around. That is one of my favorite things about Makenna- she knows how to be happy and have fun like no one else I know!
All I ever wanted to be was a mommy. I was that little girl whose bed was COVERED in dolls. I loved baby dolls. They were not dolls. They were my babies. I remember asking for a certain doll for Christmas when I was maybe 7 or 8. I found the doll hidden in a bag in the closet, waiting to be wrapped up and put out on Christmas day. Every day I would sneak in the room and talk to the doll in the closet, let it know I was there and would be taking care of it soon. When I would go grocery shopping with my mom as a little girl my mother would let me help out, going to the isles in the store and grabbing things she needed. I would often times sneak past the baby supplies isle and would pretend to pick out baby items to buy: baby food, diapers, pacifiers, toys, etc. I loved babies. I have always loved babies. And I have wanted nothing more than to have babies of my own. Being a mother is a very literal dream come true. It is the culmination of everything I ever wanted. 4 Beautiful, Healthy, Wonderful, Amazing Children that are the joy of my life! Many nights a week I will ask my kids, as I tuck them in bed, "What is the most important thing in the world to me?" And they will say "Your kids!" I never want them to doubt it.
Mothers Day surely is a day to honor your mother and thank her for all she does for you and contemplate all she has brought into your life. But as a mother it has become a day to deeply reflect on how blessed I am. How much I love and adore, cherish and honor this calling to be a mother. To be trusted by our Heavenly Father to raise these little ones. To teach them, protect them, help them, love them, raise them to be the best they can be. And I pray every day that I can be all that they deserve. I Love My Children.
I tend to believe that some of the best pictures are the bloopers...the ones you don't want to hang on your wall. But many times these are the ones that Truly capture the moment and the essence and all the personality.
And then there is my own mother. A woman who has taught me love, sacrifice, kindness, selflessness. She has been an example of patience, humility, strength, determination, dependability, faith, honesty. She is a mother to me first and foremost. She is my friend. She is my rock and the example to me of all that I strive to be. I have always said, if I can just grow up to be half the woman that my mother is then I will have done pretty good.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
I MAY have overdone it with just the highlights. But May was an intense month (be prepared, because this in fact is just one of 3 or 4 installments of the happening in May). It MAY be a lot to look over, but it is so hard to pass up pictures when each one of them holds a memory, a moment in my mind that I remember and cherish. And our memories are one of our most precious and prized possessions in this life that we can keep with us always. I feel like I just have to document every moment I'm able to....
My sweet little Carys, sitting like such a big girl, finally with a bigger smile on her face again as she is once again content to play on the floor. And playing with a woody doll because that is what happens when you have 2 older brothers.
These boys. Such a love/hate relationship between them. They have their phases when they just argue all the time. And then they have their times when they get along great. Unfortunately these "get along great" moments often times involve some degree of mischief, but I hear from many others that this is what you get when it comes to brothers.
At least I know my baby girl will be well watched over and adored.
Swimming season slowly started getting under way. There seems to be a slight learning curve at the beginning of the summer with how exactly to jump off the wall without doing a belly flop. As you can see, the picture here is far from being belly flop free.
A few pics of Makenna and Kellen working the field together on the same team (GO Purple Snakes!) It was adorable to see them on the same team together. I am glad that they had the chance to play together for Kellen's first few experiences with soccer. He can be so shy and timid in those types of settings, it is nice for him to have Makenna by his side, very willing to go out there and show him what to do. Wish I had gotten more pics of them with each other, but they move quick and I didn't have that many opportunities (which will be more clearly revealed in posts to come....stay tuned).
That moment when you look at a picture of one of your children and think "When did you grow up without me realizing it?"
Thanks to Aunt Stephanie and her endless supply of holiday goodies we were able to have a little cinco de mayo feast in celebration of David on his mission in mexico. Our feast was complete with chicken enchilada, rice, beans, chili pepper hats, cactus and sombrero decorations and silly maraca pens that turned out to be a great hit for Daddy at work!
Love this wild man!
Conner will shove a gun or sword or any weapon, anywhere it will fit and stay in his clothes. After all, a 2 year old must always be prepared. You never know when danger will strike.
One of the reasons why having a little girl to dress up is so much fun!
I get scared when I imagine these little girls 12 years from now!
Capturing a "getting along" and mischief free moment!
All my babies have been total water babies. Carys did not disappoint! This girl LOVES the water.
Our sweet Kellen, nearing the end of his last year at preschool, took Mommy, Daddy and Conner to his annual art show at school. As per tradition, we stopped at Rubios on the way. There are so many moments when I look at this kid and think, "Wow, you are handsome!"
A very proud Kellen with Very cute artwork!
Kellen and Mrs Silva. Kellen did a lot of growing and maturing this year!
Our mission, To protect and defend the residence of the McKamey home against all the forces of evil. A very protected mama....what woman could ask for more?!
But all superheroes must have a different identity. Of Course.
This little lady will never lack for affection. Of this I am certain!
Well, it wasn't easy. But I felt this moment coming for awhile. As much as I loved Conners long locks, as much as I felt like they fit his silly, crazy, outgoing personality so well, I also felt like Conner as ready for a bigger boy hairstyle. I felt ready to see his face and his eyes more. See what his look would be without the hair taking away from that cute face of his. And though I miss running my fingers through his hair while he cuddles on my lap, I do have to say that seeing more of that handsome face is a good thing to me! What a big boy!